Dear friends,
I hear there have been a few questions into how I’m doing, what is going on over here on this little corner of the planet and what is happening with the crowdfunding money. So I will share some (many!) words of my process and goings on over the past weeks for those of you who want to know in more detail..
About Norberto… There have of course been many moments of intense sadness and pain, in deep grief mourning the love of my life. The first days, these moments filled the days. As the weeks have passed, these moments have become fewer and further between. When a moment comes, I allow the energy to wash through my system as it does, tears and wails are released as they need, and then I am well again. I’m not stuck in any thought patterns that it should have been different or fighting the reality. He is gone, that is a harsh reality, and yet this is what has happened. I’ve accepted it. I have my daily practices that give space for emotions to arise, and I feel myself ok even in the really painful times as it is just the energy moving and I can hold it. It is even beautiful in its rawness. I’m not suffering in resentment or bitterness of lost dreams. So most of the time now, I’m in a space of joyful creativity, inspired by new dreams, working hard, enjoying nature and friends, and grateful to be alive. My love and gratitude for Norberto and our time together is huge, and I’m moving on with life, as what else is there? Thankfully this moving on has been mostly in a very gentle way in the warm cocoon of Terramaya with no pressure of to do’s. I’ve been allowing myself some time to just be here in the present in this beautiful place. But now there are some practicalities I need to deal with.
Asides from the obvious grieving, there have been a couple of particularly challenging points over the past weeks: what is the future of Terramaya and the remainder of the crowdfunding money? Norberto had intended Terramaya to be left to me, but as he wrote no will it will legally go to his sons as will all of his assets. This land has been my home for the past 7 years, as well as the centre where we held our retreats. Virtually all our earnings besides daily living costs for us and his boys were put into building and maintaining this. It looks as though our shared dream of Terramaya is coming to a close, which has brought up a lot of sadness, loss and now some complicated practicalities as well.
I will come back to Terramaya later and explain here about the crowdfunding..
A few weeks ago, very soon after Norberto’s passing, Carie and I were put under a lot of pressure to make an immediate decision about the remainder of the crowdfunding money. It was a very hard, sticky, nasty time, actually in some ways harder to deal with than the grief as it was so head-y and I felt engulfed and bullied. We were told in no uncertain terms that a huge chunk (in fact all that was left) of the fund should go towards legal fees to secure Norberto’s properties for his sons. Our attempts to negotiate security for myself and Terramaya were completely rejected. (At this point, we were told by the lawyer that there was a possibility that Terramaya could go into my name, in which case I would have worked to sustain it).
We took a step back, realising we didn’t have to succumb to the pressure and acknowledging the funds are accountable to the people who donated to them. We didn’t give the funds that were requested, so the remainder is still in a savings account and hasn’t yet been decided on.
I retreated back to Terramaya, had some days to let this heavy energy dissipate, and then turned my attention away from the destructive “what I don’t want” thoughts, and turned to what I choose to create with joy today and in my future. This joy of creation, blossoming and longing to connect and share has spurred my recent online offerings and presence. I’m focusing on what I choose to welcome and invite into my life, and haven’t wanted to revisit the subject of what to do with the fund. I’ve been in a bubble and now reality is calling!
Just after that difficult period, there was quite some discussion between a few of us from both communities about how it would be best to decide what happens to the remainder of the fund. We’ve considered a variety of options as to where the money could go. We’ve also considered whether the decision should be made by just a few of us, or the larger donors, or by everyone that donated, and we see value and shortcomings in each way. No decision has been made yet on either front. It is very delicate, because if the vote goes to everyone, then a clear, objective picture has to be painted about the full situation. This would invariably lead to many pages of information, which unfortunately would be difficult to be written honestly without publicly incriminating certain people. Out of wishing to avoid this we’ve kept quiet until now, and I’m even apprehensive to share these previous paragraphs, yet also realise that people who donated have a right to know what is going on.
There was a pie chart of expenses drawn up a few weeks ago, and the plan is that in the coming days information about what has gone where will be sent out. Thank you for bearing with us as we’ve been taking this time to process all that has been going on, and putting the numbers into a clear breakdown. Our intention has always been transparency, and sorry that this is taking longer to deliver than anticipated.
With regards to continuing Terramaya, I’ve been going back and forth. I love to be here, and I love the idea that it continues to be a place for people from around the world to feel at home and do the deep, profound work that they have been doing the last years. And yet, it is a lot of work, effort, money, dedication to keep this place running. To put some perspective, we were spending almost as much per month on it as it earns in a year!!
As a “home” for me, well.. I love that here is such an amazing place to reconnect with the wild, to live as part of nature, and to have the temple where I can continue my work of making medicine recordings. (I’m asking the universe for a space like this to manifest closer to the UK! Any suggestions, please let me know!). But this won’t be truly a home for me in the future without my beloved, I don’t have a deep sense of community here, it’s so far from family, I wouldn’t be safe living here alone, and the daily living can be super challenging.
As a retreat centre.. until now, it is completely un-viable as a business venture! We invested the huge amount we did out of love and the shared dream. If it is to continue to run as a centre, it will take a huge amount of energy, work and money and may not ever break even. Is it worth to continue to invest? Also, knowing that it will go into the names of Norberto’s sons. Negotiations for partial ownership or community trust ownership have gone nowhere. I have been offered to be the “usufruct”, meaning I would have rights to continue to use the land, even apparently until I die, but retain no equity in the time and money invested. So if I choose to take that on, Terramaya could continue as a retreat centre. But this is knowing that it will take so much work and money, more than I could or would want to put in.
It would only be viable if there was a huge swell of community support to carry it. And even if there was, I wonder if this would be collectively the best way to direct our resources, or rather for example into community spaces and opportunities much closer to home (ie Europe and US).
I’ve already been going through the process of letting go of Terramaya, which brings quite some sadness as so much love, blood, sweat and tears of Norberto, me and many of our friends went into creating this. At the same time, I feel my calling in this life is to share my love and gifts through music, not as a farm owner or retreat centre manager, especially so far from my homeland. The sadness of the let go is part of the process. I’m not ready to say I’m leaving definitively, but it is heading that way, and I may even have to leave in just a few weeks.
Knowing all this, can Terramaya continue, with or without me? The land is still here and may possibly be available as a home and retreat centre, if people are willing to maintain it and manage the logistics of caring for this isolated place. This would mean people being here full time taking care of the land and investing financially in the upkeep.
Some paths have felt very closed over recent weeks. I will follow a path that feels open and inspiring. I know many of us will choose to follow similar paths in our own ways. And so I share all this and will see what comes.
Thank you so much for reading this huge text and for hearing me!
And.. if anyone knows a home (in South England?) that has space for 3 wolf dogs, a room free and a quiet place suitable for recording, please let me know! I may have to move out for good in just 5 weeks, and if so will need to find new home(s) for my 3 beloved dogs. Thank you so much!
With a lot of love,
Milli